Starting a new chapter in your life, like getting a new job, at first seems like a promise. We'll build ourselves anew, in this new chapter the main character will be stronger, more attractive, more smiley and much more successful. All the bad habits, vices, failures will remain locked in the previous chapters. Or at least that's what a perfectionist imagines. Surely, all her previous attempts to be 100% perfect had failed badly, but not this time, hell no! This time everything will go ideally, right from the start. After all, she got a new haircut and brand new wardrobe for this occassion! This MUST be strong enough symbol to motivate the universe to follow her will! Well, it isn't. Universe is not here to adhere to our demands, it is not about control either. Yes, lack of it is one of the predominant causes of stress, but a person who strives for steering her life like a puppet is off to a painful fall right into the arms of depression. If you're lucky you can change your environment, eliminating stressors such as noise, limited space, negative people. But what if you can't afford to move or quit your job? Are you stuck in this misery, are you supposed to keep calm and carry on, suppressing all that rebellion that raises in your soul? You can if you want to. But you can also make changes- in your innerworld. You can change the way you see things, the way you interpret situations.
One of the greatest things I learnt at university was how human perception is biased, and how little we realize that what we perceive to be true is only our brain's interpretation of the surrounding stimuli. We see sky as blue because of the way our brain interprets the visual stimuli that reach our retina, we preceive certain behaviours as polite in one culture and unacceptable in another, we react not to events, but to what we make of them. If the person you live with forgets to buy something you asked them to, it is up to you to interpret it as someone's faulty memory or a deliberate attempt to go against you. If your manager shouts at you can choose whether you take it personally and start doubting yourself or you realize that your manager's reactio was a response to the pressure that they are under, their fear of failure etc.
I once read something that really changed my approach to social situations. In one of his books,Anthony de Mello explains that everything human do comes either from love or fear. Love, not the romantic kind, but the general kindness and tenderness towards the world, is what fuels most of the good deads of this world; whereas all the violence, passive agression, bitterness and jealousy are triggered by some kind of fear. It is very common for example that a school bully is a child who grew up fearing an abusive father, was scared of being abandoned, or perhaps was bullied himself. We never know what someone's fears are or what they experienced in the past, but we can know for sure, that if someone is hurting you or threatens you, it is a result of their own fear. Realizing this made me see people from a different perspective. Instead of reacting to their agression by defending myself, I try to understand where it comes from. I know for example that my colleague's mean behaviour stems from her fear of me becoming more successful than her because after 7 months of work I contribute to the meetings more than she does after 5 years in the business. Do I still find her actions annoying? Yes; but instead of feeling angry and frustrated I feel compassionate and understanding, which greatly reduces my stress levels at work.
The next time someone says something hurtful or shout at you, try to think what drove them to do that. What do they fear? Trust me, the more you ask yourself that, the more at peace you will be.
